What I Wish I'd Said

"I don't believe you"

"You're lying"

"You just want attention"

These are all the ways you shouldn't respond to someone who shares about struggling with suicidal thoughts.

This is based on a true story.

I was sharing my story vulnerably and this was the reply. With no hesitation or apology. At the time, I shrugged. Smiled awkwardly. Tried to hold back my tears. They were admonished, somewhat. Their name said in a warning tone.

I wish I had spoken up. This is what I would say:

1. Your words aren't helpful. You should work on weighing them out before you speak them. "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit (Proverbs 18:21 CSB)." Those words are death.

2. My story is real. Just because you don't want it to be true doesn't change the fact that it is. And that you've contributed to the reality of these thoughts.

3.  The shame around my own suicidal thoughts is so pronounced that I'd rather hide than share this. So no, I don't want attention. I want compassion. But, and this should be undeniable, suicide deserves attention. Someone wanting to die by any means necessary - even their own hand - warrants care. Stop centering yourself. Center God and respond the way He would: in the way of love.

There are other things I'd say. Things relating to boundaries and not allowing them space in my life until they've shown themselves to be willing to handle my fragility with compassion. I'm learning a lot about what I'm worth and what kind of behaviour I should and should not allow in my life.

But those are my top 3.

Please know that you are loved. You are loved if you've had suicidal thoughts. You are if you've heard harmful things in response to your vulnerability. You are loved even if you are the unhelpful person in these situations.

Jesus loves you. His blood covers it all.

And if you need someone to pray with you, feel free to reach out to someone in your life. I'm willing to be that person.

Grace and peace,

SKCNW.

Testimony in Progress

To: anyone who identifies with my testimony in progress,

From: a Christian who struggles with anxiety and suicidal depression.

Yeah, my diagnosis is a mouthful.

And a mountain.

And faith can make it move.

Right?

Sigh.

Miraculous healing might be

The illness going away.

It also might be the strength to bear it.

Breakthrough sometimes looks like

Breathing

Even though our body and our mind

Fight us on it.

Can I get an amen?

For the sufferer who's still obeying?

For the doubter who's still worshipping?

For the broken who's still bearing God's image?

Your amen is an acknowledgement

A statement.

Saying: I see you.

Echoing the name of God:

El-Roi (El-raw-ee):

He is the God who sees me.

And whispers

To our weariness

Descends

Into our despair

And promises

His presence in the pain

We are not alone.

Beloved brother and sister,

You are not alone.

There us no new calamity under the sun

So, we are one

Nay, we are won

By the suffering Son

Who says to our illness

It is Finished.

And we must simply take it for the

Promise that it is.