Cuyahoga Cycle

Cuyahoga, 1969

Ring any bells?

When nature defied herself

When water became fire

That's not poetic imagery.

The Cuyahoga river was literally lit into fire

Like 14 times too many

Water isn't meant to burn

But enough waste can even reverse what's meant to clean

When will we learn?

Remember that oil spill that blew up our facebooks recently ?

Recently as in before the parental invasion led to a generational mimicry of white flight

with millennials exiting stage right

We shared memes of Spongebob ready to be thrown out and Nemo never making it home

because he and it were gone

We still haven't learned. 1969, 2010, 2020 - what's the difference?

Same actions, same consequences.

I'm not cynical if it's cyclical.

But I'm hypocritical and egotistical,

if I don't realise that I'm just as apocalyptical

My insecurities and insincerities, unresolved traumas and general tragedies

Leak into the pristine beauty of people around me

Polluting their healthy

Until they can't even see their reflection clearly

What happens when you're the cause of Cuyahoga disasters?

Cancel yourself?

Can we be made clean?

If so, oil can't clean itself. And if we're all oily,

we'll just be polluting each other blindly.

Create in me a clean heart, O God.

If humans can set water ablaze,

then You can transform toxics,

our poison can be purified.

Jesus, You said that if we believed in You; rivers of living water will flow from us

Just because it's biblical

doesn't mean it's mythical;

it might just be the miracle

that breaks the Cuyahoga cycle.

Cry It Out (with some comfort)

As a mama to a baby boy, sleep is a common topic that comes up when people ask about how I'm doing. They are often surprised to hear that Dom sleeps about 10-11 hours each night, and has been doing so since halfway through his fourth month.

"You guys are so lucky!" I often hear.

No doubt, Desmond and I are blessed to have a baby that sleeps the way Dom does. We've already had conversations about not comparing Dom's future siblings (inshallah) to him in this way, lest we become resentful or show favouritism.

Yet, Dom's sleeping pattern was not about luck. We sleep trained him and this involved a lot of him crying, sometimes screaming, before falling asleep (for those wondering, we did the Ferber method). It was hard work.

My mama heart hated hearing him in distress, often wanting to just draw him in to my arms and rock him to sleep. Many times, we would set a timer before going in to comfort him and I'd be ready to go to Dom as soon as it went off. Yet without this distress, Dom wouldn't have learned how to fall asleep by himself - such an important skill. Once he started sleeping more, his personality began to come out! We discovered such a curious, happy and affectionate little human. Not to mention, it helped our entire family! We were all getting a healthy amount of sleep again.

Dom's very real and valid distress was purposeful, and the purpose was good. Good for him and for those around him, Des and I.

This is such a parallel for God and us!

In this life, we have very real and valid painful experiences. We suffer. And often, the chief question we ask is: why? Why is this happening to me? Why are you letting this happen, God?

I can't be the only person of faith who has asked God these questions in times of trial. Every time I have yet another anxiety attack or get hit with a wave of intrusive suicidal thoughts, my soul screams:

WHY?

I don't know what you're going through, but I do know what it's like to doubt the goodness and power and presence and wisdom and love of God when things are just too hard.

And it is then that I am reminded by the Holy Spirit, God living in me, that He's working even this - insert suffering here - for good. He's producing something glorious in me: endurance, hope and maturity.

"And not only that, but we also boast in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope." - Romans 5:3‭-‬4 CSB

"because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." - James 1:3‭-‬4 CSB

Similarly to how we trained Dom to sleep, God knows the good that will come from our suffering and He allows it from a place of wisdom and love. Not only that, but just how Des and I would be quick to step in at the right time with comfort, so does God. It actually parallels my October memory verse well:

Therefore the Lord is waiting to show you mercy,

and is rising up to show you compassion,

for the Lord is a just God.

All who wait patiently for him are happy. (Isaiah 30:18 CSB)

I need to trust this. Every day. Sometimes, every minute.

Will you join me in trusting God in your pain, too?