(Posted on July 19, 2016 at 12:00 AM)
Sometimes, a spiritual attack isn't hearing a demonic voice speaking to you, sometimes it's hearing your own voice telling you that you are of little worth or value. Sometimes a spiritual attack is focusing on the 'would, could or should be's; alternate realities based on conditions that cannot be met instead of on the reality that God has placed you in. Sometimes a spiritual attack is not pain, emotional distress or terror that threatens to take you out of the fight but a lack of will to fight. At least, that's my experience. That's been my entire day. It started with missing my time with God for the day, my QT or quiet time as I call it, yesterday. And then self-loathing and self-condemnation took me each by the hand and walked me through my day; all that I did and all that I didn't do. They brought me on a journey to shame. I knew better than this to have wasted my day in such a way. I even knew that this was an attack and began to feel shame at the fact that it was working. Ashamed of shame. It's scary to be in that place of knowing that God wants you, loves you and has redeemed you and still feeling as if you are unwanted, unloved and unforgiven. It's scary to be at war with yourself over what you know to be true and what you feel to be true. And it is absolutely terrifying to be stuck in this tornado of shame upon shame upon shame, knowing that Grace upon Grace upon Grace has been poured out upon you and has freed you from that place; yet you stay there because you were weak enough to get stuck in this shame to begin with. You knew better. You know better and yet you are worse. That's all I continued to hear. You know better and yet you are worse. It's in this place that every Bible verse becomes those words. Every attempt of Christian encouragement becomes those words. Favourite Christian songs become those words. You know better and yet you are worse. And like the first people to encounter shame, Adam and Eve in Eden, you hide when God comes. Except when He calls out this time, you don't say a word. You hide even more in idle activities, you enter into this place of distraction because you want to forget where you are and how you got there. You try to get comfortable in the tornado. You know that all you need to do is let your soul cry out to its Creator, Lover and Sustainer: Here I am. But you let your soul be silenced because: You know better and yet you are worse. You deserve this. You don't deserve the love, peace and grace that He has for you. This, this awful and painfully empty place, this is what you deserve. And you accept this. You begin to want to convince yourself that it's not so bad. You can make shame work. This is literally where I was and where I was prepared to stay. But God doesn't give up so easily. When He has bought you with a price and has sealed you as His own, He does not let you go. For when He has foreknown, predestined, called, justified and glorified you (Romans 8:29-30); He has literally claimed you as His from before the beginning of time into the rest of eternity. Satan is not allowed to claim you.
"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand. I and the Father are one." - John 10:27-30 ESV When I began to acquiesce to this place, something changed. Instead of this emptiness inside of me, I felt this pain. I found myself unable to distract my thoughts anymore and there seemed to be a million voices screaming. I couldn't bear it anymore. I had to get out. See, God doesn't let us get comfortable with slavery. He showed that when He told the Israelites through Moses and Aaron that He was going to free them and then allowed them to be treated even more badly by Pharaoh. Read about it in Exodus 5, I just included a snippet of Moses speaking to God.
Moses returned to the Lord and said, “Why, Lord, why have you brought trouble on this people? Is this why you sent me? Ever since I went to Pharaoh to speak in your name, he has brought trouble on this people, and you have not rescued your people at all.” - Exodus 5:22-23 NIV God was ready to free them, but they had gotten into a comfortable routine within their enslavement. He had to make it unbearable for them to leave. He made my current state unbearable so that I wouldn't make the tornado my resting place. And then sorrow hit me. But this is still a part of the plan.
"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter." - 2 Corinthians 7:10-11 This godly sorrow lead me to the opposite of apathy. It made me finally cry out. As my soul cries out, it echoes David's words: "Praise the Lord , my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord , my soul, and forget not all his benefits— who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed. He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel: The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust." - Psalm 103:1-14 NIV I praise the Lord, as I remember who He is and His thoughts towards me. As I remember that I am but dust, and yet He still desires to use me for His glory. I remember and re-live these truths yet again: "For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And having chosen them, he called them to come to him. And having called them, he gave them right standing with himself. And having given them right standing, he gave them his glory. What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us. Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below — indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” - Romans 8:29-35, 37-39 NLT Until next time loves, S.K.C.N.W ♡
