(Posted Feb 17, 2017)
Today, I did something that I haven’t done in eight years: I opened my Bible to intentionally read from Songs of Songs (SOS).
It has been almost a decade since I’ve done this. When I was twelve, there was this whole competition for who could read the entire Bible first happening and thus I landed in SOS.
It was the most romantic thing I had ever read – and I was (still am) a romance literature junkie so that was saying something. A lot of the erotic/sensual innuendos went over my head because I was a super naïve and innocent young woman – and I still much more of a puritan than most people know.
Eventually, I realised how heavy – to say the least – SOS was and I vowed to not read it again until I was married; or at least engaged. And since I am not engaged or married right now, I know the question you’re dying to ask me is this: why are you reading it then?
Because God told me to.
A ministry that I tend to parallel my personal Bible reading time with is She Reads Truth announced that they would be starting SOS on February 13th. I wrestled a lot of with whether I would join them in this study or not.
Like, a lot.
See, I had avoided SOS like the plague because I struggled with the idol of romantic love for quite some time and God had only just broken that chain in my life not even 6 months ago. I didn’t want this to trigger anything in me or catalyse a relapse of a sorts.
Still, I felt the nudge of the Spirit telling me to read this book again. Still, I felt the nudge of the Spirit telling me to read this book again. Asking me to trust His work in my mind and heart enough to read from this part of His Word.
So, tentatively I stepped out of the boat … and I was wrecked in the most broken and beautiful way.
The love described in this book is one that is honest, vulnerable, naked and unashamed. There is no guilt or shame in this love. There is an equality and complementary nature to this love. It is rich and full and beautiful.
This is a piece of what Eden would’ve been like, y’all. What love between a man and a woman was intended to be before the Fall.
And as the Holy Spirit brought this revelation to me through His Word, there was a distinct shake and shift that happened in the core of my being – and I got a glimpse of how my obedience in doing this devotional was a part of His all-encompassing, not-an-insignificant-moment, sovereign plan.
Just about 10 days ago (I checked), I learned something from this book I’ve been reading through: Look and Live by Matt Papa. [Aside: this book is Biblical, remarkable and worth the investment of your finances and time. Read it.] And in that particular chapter, he stated that a vice “ceases to be a devil when it ceases to be a god” when we stop looking at it and “start looking through it”. “Instead of making it the reason you worship, make it a reason you worship.” We look through its glory – what makes it excellence – to see God’s Glory at the center of it all.
And today, He showed me the beauty, mystery and complexity of Eden-love in Songs of Songs. He showed me the glory of love. And instead of looking at it worshipping it as I did in the past, He helped me to look through it to see Him. His Love. His Glory. And I was able to worship Him.
Hallelujah.
But there’s more! OH yes, loves, more. More revelation. More wrecking. More instances when His nail-pierced hands mend and mould my heart into a vessel of His glory. More.
I’d read Songs of Songs 1:1 – 2:7 but there was two verses that I read that didn’t seem to fit with the rest of the passage. And as I began to re-read the passage to deconstruct it - break down the similes and metaphors and pull out application – I came across it again and I broke.
I literally almost began to weep in the middle of the psychology department lounge wherein I am doing me devos.
“Dark am I, yet lovely,
daughters of Jerusalem,
dark like the tents of Kedar,
like the tent curtains of Solomon.[a]
6 Do not stare at me because I am dark,
because I am darkened by the sun.
My mother’s sons were angry with me
and made me take care of the vineyards;
my own vineyard I had to neglect” – Songs of Songs 1:5-6
Do you see what she’s doing here? Do you get it? Read it again and again and again. She is being vulnerable. She shares the part of herself that is a source of insecurity, comparison and perceived inadequacy because as white/pale skin was the standard of beauty at the time. But then, my gosh I am getting all emotional all over again.
Then, before her beloved, lover, and husband has said anything – then loves, Then, before her beloved, lover, and husband has said anything – then loves, she affirms that she is lovely.
I broke.
In the past 18 hours, I have been realising the depths of insecurity, brokenness and lack of love I have for my appearance. I have realised the maladaptive and sardonic complexity to my comparison tendencies. I have been wrestling with what beauty means and have been wrecked in this process.
And then, the Lord has me read this.
Maybe this is hitting me more because I am a Black female and colourism – worth, value and beauty determined by the colour of your skin – is so rampant within our society in and outside of the Black community. And there are deep-seated hurts that I have long since ignored in regards to that but these words:
“Dark am I, yet lovely …”
They broke me. And now, glory hallelujah, now His Light can shine through all the more.
Now, I can heal like a bone that is broken to be re-set and put in a place for restoration.
In this painful, wrecked, broken place I can know that He is right here with me. He knows me. He loves me. And He is drawing me closer to Him.
Grace that saves me. Grace that sanctifies me. Grace that is my strength in weakness.
He is not done with me yet, He is teaching me to truthfully and confidently say: “Dark am I, yet lovely.”
Because I am His.
And this is only day 1 of going through this book, let’s see what the next two weeks have in store.
Until next time loves.
