(Posted on March 3, 2016 at 4:50 AM) On March 2, I checked my Facebook app and was heartbreakingly surprised to see one of my old statuses from 2012. On March 2nd, 2012 I posted a status saying that: “I hate my eyes.” As soon as I saw that, I remembered that day and what had brought to declaring one of my greatest insecurities at the time on social media for all to see. I remember being so excited that day because finally, after 8 years of glasses, I’d finally have contacts and be “beautiful” again. I remember planning the outfit I would wear to school the next week for my big debut, the new and improved Sana’. I remember crying in the optometrist’s office because my eyes refused to accept the contacts and all my dreams of being beautiful fell away in that instant. But it goes, so so so much deeper than that day. When I look even through my profile pictures at that time in my life, they are all edited. Not simply with text on the picture or just a quick fix because my camera was bad quality (and still is, lol). But edited to lighten my skin colour, soften what I thought were imperfections on my face; to do everything to fit the standard of what I truly thought beauty was. I remember that Sana’ in all her brilliance and (feigned) gaiety; she was incredibly insecure. I can still identify with that girl because she’s the voice that the Enemy through my mental illness uses to convince me that I’m worthless, useless and purposeless today. Insecurity is an identity issue that flows from many things, but finds its roots in sin. It a classic tactic that the enemy uses to belittle God’s Word, devalue His plan and entrap the Saints in a state of immobility. Insecurity comes down to what you believe about God and about yourself in light of that. It is only eradicated by knowing your identity according to how God made you, how Christ redeems you and how the Holy Spirit sanctifies you. God has been teaching me a lot about my identity in this last little while, a lot. It’s been raw and hard and expository; and it has brought me to a new level vulnerability and intimacy with my Creator, Saviour and Advocate. I would be remiss if I didn’t share it. Everything that occurs in our lives is for the glory of God – even the hard, vulnerable, raw, painful stuff. Especially those. I’ll paraphrase something that a ministry I love said a few years ago: When we are broken jars of clay, we allow His light and love to be shown even more clearly through us to those on the outside.
So, I'll happily be a beautiful broken clay jar in the hands of a gracious and glorious God.
